The Email Equation

One of my duties as an intern on the Hill is to read, sort, and respond to emails from the district. I get loads of emails with legitimate concerns voiced appropriately which are a pleasure to deal with however, I also get a significant number of emails which are either off the wall or vaguely reminiscent of enraged teenaged breakup mail. To these, I always take the high road and respond with kindness and decorum, however, here is how I would love to answer them: 

CONgressman, when will you learn about the actual situation with the debt and do something about it????

Actually, I was planning on just farting around this term and getting down to the pennies and dimes next term, after I spent all your tax dollars on smoking jackets and scamming businessmen into buying useless racehorses.

 

THE WAY THIS GOVERNMENT IS GOING I’M NO LONGER PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

I’ll contact Lee Greenwood ASAP and let him know that his song is about to lose ratings.

 

I need $4 million dollar grant to attempt a science project that I haven’t really thought through.

Hold your horses there pal! I’m digging your ingenuity, but maybe you should dot your I’s and cross your t’s first.

 

Are you a homosexual?????

Why, you single?

 

Congressman, my neighbor stole a dead person’s house and is living there to scare the mechanics away.

Maybe you should move? Everyone needs a solid mechanic.

 

Congressman, I saw you on TV last night and was VERY DISSAPOINTED.

Me too, it really was an awful hair day, but you should feel the humidity up here!

 

Lesson #4: Harnessing the sass

PASSED