The Candy Conjecture

At 3PM in our office everyone starts to get a little hungry, a little sleepy, and it’s time for a break. Around this time, a line of staff begins to file past the candy jar on our front desk for a snack. This ritual occurs every day like clockwork. Even when the office is buzzing, we firmly believe in a candy break.

Yesterday, the three o’clock candy period rolled around, but we were prepping the congressman for a teleconference. Naturally, not wanting to break from tradition, we started to distribute the candy using the toss method so that everyone could stay at their work stations. Our lovely staff assistant effortlessly tossed the Milky Ways, Snickers, Nerds, and Laffy Taffies to the people nearest her who then tossed them out further. It was a glorious ripple of three o’clock sugar, until it reached me.

My desk is situated right in the doorway of the congressman’s office, making it my responsibility to make the Milky Way handoff to him. The VIP toss, if you will. The catch was flawless, the form stunning as I snatched the candy out of the sky with reflexes like a jungle cat. The turn was beautiful as my body aligned for the perfect pass and like Johnny Manziel seeing an opening, I aimed for the congressman and let the chocolate fly. From here, what had started out as a beautiful moment in sports history rapidly deteriorated. I watched as the candy flew, in what seemed like slow motion, in a flawless arc through the office and crashed into the congressman’s stunned face, hitting him directly between the eyes. Still in slow motion, I watched him reel back from the impact while surprise flitted across his abused features. I felt my hands reach out as though to take back their action and then contort in a helpless gesture of mingled fear, embarrassment, and horror. I just hit the congressman in the face. Right between the eyes. With a candy bar.

For a moment we just stared at each other, it was as though the office had frozen in place as the staff, congressman, and I tried to absorb what had just happened. In that moment, I was certain my career in DC was over. I was starting to compose the telephone call home. “Hey Dad! Yeah, DC was great but then I mauled the congressman in the face with a Milky Way so I’ll be home tomorrow!” Fortunately, after those few tense seconds, the office then exploded into laughter.

“I can’t believe you just hit him in the face!”

“Oh my gosh, you nailed him.”

“That was awesome!”

And from the man himself, once he had pulled it together enough to verbalize, “Nice shot!”

Moral of the story: I still have a job, and while I may not be Johnny Manziel, I’m like Annie Oakley with a Mars product.

 

Lesson #6: levity is never a loss.